Every communication between two people either contributes to or contaminates the relationship. 
There is no place in-between.
Communication that contributes moves the relationship forward because we provide some information, connect with the other person, or learn something about them.
Communication that contaminates get in the way of the relationship because we confuse the other person, miscommunicate, fail to communicate, offend them, or fail to consider or respect the other person’s viewpoint or feelings.
When we contaminate relationships with our communication, we create fog. The other person is left wondering what we said, what we meant, or what we feel about them or the relationship.
Effort vs. Result? Intent vs. Perception?
We can argue that we didn’t mean to contaminate. We tried to communicate, but the other person doesn’t get it. That, however, is just confusing effort with result, and intent with perception. The person on the other end of your communication doesn’t care about your effort or intent; they only care about the result and their perception.
Let’s consider 7 ways that we can lift the fog that we seem to constantly create and communicate to intentionally contribute, instead of unintentionally contaminate.
7 Keys to Lifting the Communication Fog
1. Walk in their shoes
Irrefutably the most powerful thing you can do in your relations with others is to see the world from their perspective. Imagine what it would be like to receive the communication that you just delivered.
2. Listen like your job depends on it.
Our job as the leader is to listen intentionally and relentlessly. To listen to understand their perspective, not to agree with it. This means clearing the distractions and focusing 100% on the other person.
3 kinds of listening:
- Relentless – focused on relentlessly listening to understand the other’s view
- Squabble – focused on proving a point, not on understanding
- Muddled – focused on multi-tasking, not on understanding
3. Speak to be understood.
Always assume that you are responsible for a miscommunication. When a miscommunication occurs, assume that the error was on your end of the communication. Can you stomach that? If you can, get ready for unbelievable results!
4. Set expectations.
People just want to be winners, not losers. The easiest way to help others win is for everyone to understand expectations from the beginning.
5. Give feedback.
People, just like pilots, need feedback to be specific, immediate, and on-the-job. Yearly performance evaluations are at best a dashboard of where people are. They don’t offer any behavior-impacting advice of in-the-moment feedback.
6. Ask for feedback
Have you ever asked your people, “So how am I doing? What can I do better to serve you?” If not, what are you afraid of? Ask and you will engender their trust as well as discover some fog that needs clearing.
7. Suspend your stories
When we miscommunicate, fail to communicate, or create missed expectations, people on both sides are left to wonder, filling in gaps with their made-up stories. Suspend your own stories when you are left to wonder and go to great lengths to lift fog instead of dance with conflict.
